Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
