My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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