i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I want to be your penis for a week.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
