yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
