I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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