She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
