Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
