I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
