I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
