We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
