why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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