my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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