My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
