I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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