I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
