I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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