Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
