You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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