I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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