So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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