actually, I'm a sock model
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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