I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
