dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
