It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
