the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
