I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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