My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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