Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
