Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think I won the penis lottery.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
