Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
