What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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