Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
