I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
