Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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