I accidentally had phone sex last night
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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