I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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