JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
