I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
