I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
