I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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