What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
