Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i drank out of a bidet.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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