Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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