I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
