i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Randomize
