I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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