Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize