Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
