I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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