I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
