Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
