i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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