sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
