She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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