Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
