So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
