Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
