Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize